Lord help me...

            My goodness I love God! I've been taking a good look at myself and just seeing what a mess I really am. I get myself into the dumbest situations, I'm disorganized, I sin, I somehow can't manage to figure my life out, I can barely stand serious conversations, I'm about half allergic to my feelings, I care about other people's feelings so much that I forget about myself....people...I am a mess. The cool thing about God is that he knows all this about me, and he still loves me. I do the dumbest stuff, and he forgives me no matter what. Sometimes I take what God tells me I shouldn't do and just stomp all over Him and do it anyway. When I am covered in guilt and anguish....He's there. He says, "Amber....now what have you gotten yourself into this time? You know what I wanted you to do, and you didn't do it. But you know, it's ok. I am going to be with you no matter what. I am never going to give up on you. You are my child and I love you so much. Amber, there is nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. You can disrespect me, ignore me, and deny me and I will NEVER stop loving you. I am here for you. I will not leave you. Anytime you feel like your life is out of control, just call on me and I will be there." How perfect is that? No matter how dumb I am, God loves me.  I used to be afraid that if I messed up so many times, God would just give up on me. That was a fear that seriously haunted me at night. I've broken down too many times thinking that if I kept messing up, God would just decide I'm a lost cause. The more I put my trust in Him, the more I realize He's not leaving. We've got this process now. We love each other, I screw up, He loves me, I ignore him for a while because I feel ashamed, He loves me, I break down and admit how stupid I've been, He loves me some more, He forgives me, I'm grateful, we love each other. I know, I know. I'm working on the screwing up, ignoring Him, and breaking down part. What can I say? I'm not perfect.

            Right now I am in a situation that I could have easily avoided if I had just listened to Him. I knew exactly what needed to be done, but I didn't do it. I'm in a position where I'm probably going to hurt someone, but I didn't have to. I ignored my gut feeling, which I know was God trying to tell me something. I know that I do things that I shouldn't and I nor He is proud of. Why? Why would I spend a second disgracing the one person who will love me unconditionally and who is always with me? Life is so short and I want to live it right. God help me.

           

I Will Not Take My Love Away by Matt Wertz

I will not take my love away
When praises cease and seasons change
while the whole world turns the other way
I will not take my love away
I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there's no yield for what you've sown
I will not leave you all alone
I will give you what you need
In plenty or in poverty
Forever, always, look to me
And I will give you what you need
I will not take my love away

Death

I       I was thinking....Every time someone mentions death (RIP Steve Jobs), I always think about my hatred of funerals. I mean, not all funerals bother me....well no...ALL funerals obviously bother me a little, but open casket funerals freak me the heck out. I don't like dead bodies. They're just creepy weird. I mean....can't we celebrate a person's life without staring at their lifeless corpse? I guess it's kind of a dark cynical way of looking at it, but for real, it bothers me. I think everyone should be cremated. I mean, isn't it more appealing to think about sprinkling someone's ashes in a really pretty peaceful spot than putting their pale body in a box and burying it?  Just....ew. I get nothing out of looking at a person's dead body. They never look like they used to anyway. I would rather just remember them how they looked before. I mean, if you think about it, a body is just someone's shell anyway. Or...like a skin. I like to compare death to a snake shedding its skin. You leave the skin behind but what was inside keeps living. I mean....the person really doesn't die at all. It's more like the death of a phase than the death of  a person. Here's how I want my funeral to go. First of all, I want to be cremated. I know I won't be in that body anymore....so why waste space with a casket filled with my creepy dead shell. Ehem, anyway...yes cremated. Then have a table with pictures of me and play my favorite music (yes...Backstreet Boys will be playing at my funeral XD). Then have all my closest friends and family stand and talk about me....talk about the funny stories, my weird quirks, my dreams, ya know...all that stuff. I know you can never make a funeral a really happy experience, but you can definitely make it less creepy! Funerals shouldn't be about mourning someone's death, it should be about celebrating their life!